Memorial Day Weekend:
It’s that time! It’s that time-o-year the queens love best. It’s Memorial Day Weekend here in the glamorous redneck riviera resort town of Pensacola, Florida.
A few things to remember while attending the beach:
Enjoy the sun, sand and surf.
Wear sun screen.
Take cover from 11:30 a.m. until 1:30 p.m. That’s when the suns rays are most lethal.
While in the Gulf don’t fight the rip current.
Occasionally don’t wear your swimsuit.
Consume lots of liquids.
Pack a lunch.
Stick with groups.
A few things to remember while attending the parties:
Enjoy the dance, drink, and debauchery.
Wear moisturizer.
Take cover from 11:30 p.m. until 1:30 a.m. That’s when the moon is at it’s brightest.
While on the dance floor don’t fight the ripped current.
Occasionally wear your swimsuit.
Consume lots of liquor.
Pack fudge.
Preferably with groups.
That’s it...That’s all really...Just have fun and remember when showing up unexpectedly at my home, please bring your own towels and food...I live here...I work here...I’m NOT a hotel. Just kidding, just kidding, really, but not about the towels and food part. So come on down, the dance floor needs you. The DISCO call’eth thy name. Make the pilgrimage and succumb to the trek that leads to worship at the gay Mecca by the bay.
Circuit Parties:
Attending circuit parties in Pensacola this holiday weekend? Of course the best parties will feature performances by Bianca Del Rio,
and local favorite Anna Rexia.
Today:
Taking a break today while sitting on a park bench smoking a cigarette a silver Lexus going 35 miles per hour whips into the spot 2 feet in front of me. After an abrupt halt the sunroof closes on the blaring music and the engine stops. A 45 year old blond dressed 25 exits the tight space chattering on her cell phone, “Yeah I can park here cause I’m not FAT!” Then after a glare she passes me and says, “Smoking will shorten your life!” I take aim and shoot back, “So will being a BITCH!”
Tranny Time:
Navigating the hectic frenzy of the “behind” the scenes atmosphere, Connie stands in a line with dozens of other hopefuls waiting for her name to be called. The moment she hears it she’ll know it’s just one step closer. One step closer to hearing her name, Connie Wilkerson, announced as the new “Miss Gay Noxubee County” 2008.
“How can I lose...girl...I be a triple threat!” She declares with a dramatic defiant wave of her arm followed with a swift little snap. “Bitch got it all...bitch! I can sing an dance an um act a lil’bit but mosely I look goood in my swimsoo.” She continues by adding her strategy, “Well um I plan on usin’ sabotage, sleepin’ with the judges an then if I had too I might hafta stab a girl.”
The first event in tonight’s pageantry will be "Evening Wear" and Connie boasts of her extravagant gown, “Yeah I stole it from Mildred’s Department Store downtown. It’s real purty with blue shit here an here on each side...it’s real blue and like this white shit uner’neath an all an I took Momma’s white shoes. Oh an I took this crown thing...Girl it look good...bitch.”
Next up the "Talent" portion of tonight’s festivities and Connie promises a show stopper, “I’m doin’ "Double Funkin'"...Yeah I worked on it all nite. Should be purty good...Bitch!” When wearing a different dress for the big number, Connie had this to say, “Yeah I stole it from Mildred’s Department Store downtown. It’s red an it comes down to here an it’s got a belt an I’m gonna wear the white shoes again. Oh and I’m gonna wear my crown thing an um some white gloves...girl it all match and I got some moves now...bitch.”
Following an energized and exuberant performance Connie returns backstage, “Damn fuckin’ thing wouldn’t stay on my head! It kept’ slidin’ off...Piece of shit crown. Wish I never took it. You don’t think anybody noticed do ya?” Through constant pouting and eye rolling from side to side Connie notices a girl to her right, “Bitch you done did sumthin’ to my crown bitch! I know you did it and I gone come bust yo skinny ass if you try anything else...bitch!”
The "Swimsuit" competition looming large in the next round temporarily distracted Connie from her feud, “Yeah um I gotta change so um?” A few moments later she emerges from behind the plant and says, “Tah Da...bitch! Yeah I stole it from Mildred’s Department Store downtown. I stole the flip flops too. I like how it’s real hot an it’s real blue an has white shit all over it an it was the closest one to the door at Mildred’s. It should definitely remind a couple of the judges of last night if you know what I mean...bitch.”
And now the moment we have all read up to has finally arrived,
“And the first runner-up is Connie Wilkerson!”
With shoulders hunched and a skulking posture Connie exits the stage,
“Fuckin’ Bitch! I was 10 times better’n that Ho...Bitch!”
Connie stalks off into the throng of well wishers and following a brutal backstage stabbing had this to say,
“I’m gone look good as da new Miss Gay Noxubee County 2008 ya'll now dat bitch can’t fafeel her duty an all...Bitch!”
Of course poor Connie doesn’t fare much better in the dream crushing capable clutches of guest editor Mitzi:
Connie Wilkerson, pulled the soft feather duvet back on top of her and rolled over on to her side. Her face bore the creases of a good night’s sleep. She rubbed her good eye and then her glass one. Connie licked her lips and suddenly remembered where she was. In March 2008 Connie pleaded guilty to attempted murder, aggravated assault, assault with a weapon and possession of a dangerous weapon, The court heard how Connie in a fit of jealous rage slashed and stabbed a fellow beauty contestant leaving her for dead. She got 4 years. “Would you like me to bring your breakfast to you this morning, Miss Wilkerson?” asked the prison guard. “Yes please, just leave it on the dressing table, I’ll be up in a minute”
Connie vividly remembered the traumatic eyebrow incident the day before the sentencing she wanted to make a good impression for the judge, but she had over plucked the right eyebrow, which meant that, it gave Connie a slight demented look. She decided no one would notice if she hid it under her bangs. That day in court she was more talked about than that heat wave of “89” when the pavements melted, the death of Diana and the tragic events of 7/11. Oh, the comments she had to endure from the other inmates of Wentworth detention centre were proving too much for Connie.
“Oye! Is something wrong with your eyebrow?”
“What happened there?”
“Have you got eyebrow alopecia?”
“Where your parents brother and sister?”
Connie was mortified. It’s true to say when something’s not right on your face, you feel the whole world’s looking, and as a result of this traumatic experience, Connie has developed a compulsion to pinch the skin off her face gouging big chunks of her flesh here and there. Things go so bad she ended up being sectioned under the mental health act.
Smut:
Come on lines are just lame and rarely if ever work. Why take a chance on a line when walking up to someone and putting your dick in them is so much more effective.
Top 40 Full Course:
Listening to the American Top 40 can be a lesson in patience. A slow death of repetitious melodic ennui. I mean how many times within one hour can one hear the same song? A lot! Just a ten minute listen is like an over filling full course meal of sugary sweet nausea.
Appetizer: Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis
Not a bad song but after about 50 listens you begin to wonder if Leona is ever going to just hurry up and bleed to death already.
Main course: Touch My Body - Mariah Carey
A shrill lesson in passive aggressive psychopathy.
“If there's a camera up in here Then I'd best not catch this flick On YouTube...I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN” Now Touch my body Touch my body Touch my body...I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN."
Dessert: Shawty get loose - Lil Mama
"Shawty get loose Blah Blah Blah Baby do wat u do just wash that nasty hurrr...It's a reason why I spit what I spit cause I spit u can't stop the spit and the spit is the shit so..."
I think I need to be excused from the table cause I feel like I need to spit-up and I can’t stop the spit-up oh shit here come the spit-up so...
That’s why I have instituted a new routine. In between shoveling sugar tripe down my throat I turn to the Art Showcase channel and let the classics and opera singers wash over me. It’s like a sorbet for the ears, cleansing the palate and purging it of the nasty rap and hip hop culture we live in.
Joan Sutherland & Marilyn Horne - Viens Mallika/Flower duet
My favorite flavor would have to be Dame Joan Sutherland. Who you say? JOAN SUTHERLAND...I say. She with the incredible lantern jaw and Italian top coiffures. The Prima Donna Diva coloratura soprano who possesses the powerful robust bel canto. I feel so much better after swallowing some Joan that I can continue with my next course of tripe. I worship her and so should you!
Movie Night:
Since I’m so sick of television, I have decided to pull from my ancient collection of VHS and watch a classic tonight. I’ll be screening the 1966 horror film “Picture Mommy Dead” with Don Ameche and Zsa Zsa Gabor. I’ve never even heard of it yet here it is in my collection. 
If anyone should stop by please be advised that admission is free but by all means bring popcorn and Snowcaps. Sssshhhh! No talking during the film. Blurting out campy dialogue is acceptable only if you bring a joint and only before the film starts and during intermission. 
Smoking will only be tolerated before the film, after viewing the film, intermission and during the discussion of the cinematic technique. Once again joints will only be tolerated before, during and after the film. No exceptions.
Patrick's Photographs:
Patrick was a trifle eccentric. Prone to wearing Victorian get-ups, top hats, smoking pajamas, and spats. He was also a voracious collector who hoarded anything Coca-Cola. His obsession with Coke began well before the current craze and as a result he amassed an enormous emporium. Buy low and sell high was a motto, and it lined his pockets. 
He staged the longest running “Going out of Business Sale” in recent history, every other weekend for 25 years. I miss the going out of business sale, it practically furnished my home. I’ve become a yard sale snob and sometimes just do a “drive by” assessment often turning my nose up at the paltry offerings. 
Thanks Patrick for boosting my estate sale aesthetic, nothing (furniture wise) interests me anymore unless it’s a true antique. By the way just cause your Mamaw owned it don’t make it antique! 
Patrick's Photographs...
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